23 Was...

When you turn 23, they call it your Jordan year. As my 23rd approached, I figured this had to be one heck of a year for them to name it after the G.O.A.T. I had made up my mind that this would be that year I’d be able to define who I am, the year I was going to make shit happen, the year I was going to win. Unfortunately, instead of winning like Mike, I lost like Lebron.

Every woman has it, at least they should. And any woman without it struggles within herself. At 23, I lost my confidence. Once upon a time, I use to feel good about me. I could walk out the door with the ugliest clothes on and still feel like the million bucks I didn’t have. My confidence gave me a sense of entitlement to myself. Regardless of the flaws I knew I had, how I felt about me, was much stronger than any flaw. However, things began to change. My insecurities began to overshadow how good I use to feel about me. Looking in the mirror, putting on clothes, or getting to know somebody became difficult now that I was self- conscious.

My doctor told me, “At this age you should be in the gym at least twice a week, your body is going to start changing.” I thought, ok, no biggie; I still got time. I’m still young and fine. Anyone who knows me, you know your girl can eat. I’ve always had a big appetite, and working out was something I thought I’d never have to worry about. Suddenly, my clothes started to fit tighter than they normally would. The weight showed up in my mid-section. The area I’ve always been self-conscious about. Crazy thing is, I seen the pounds and other people thought I was losing my mind. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of my problems.

My High school science teacher taught me that our bodies continuously change over time (No kidding). We go through puberty in our teens and of course it changes when we are in our adult life. Well, he wasn’t lying about that. Hormonal acne hit at 23, lucky me (Sarcasm). I was starting to believe that my body was playing catch up; because none of this messed happened in my teenage years. Being 23 and having acne is so embarrassing and only added to my list of insecurities. I already look underage, and here come some pimples making it even worse. These bodily changes were killing my vibe. I started not to care about how I looked anymore and prepared myself for the discomfort I would face. But doing so, it made me even more uncomfortable.

Aside from all the changes my body was going through, I was dealing with a break up as well. Breakups are difficult for anyone; especially when you care a lot about the other person. That relationship bent me in a lot of places, I should’ve broke. Imagine being single for five years, finding someone you really liked, and it not working out. I beat myself up about it a lot. It was also one of the causes of my insecurities. Clearly, my inside reflected on the outside; hence, the weight gain and acne.

Today is my birthday, I am now 24 years old. As I look back on this past year, I realize everything took place for a reason. The challenges I faced at 23, was mere preparation for 24. God will make you so uncomfortable just so you can shift to a new level of comfort. It’s safe to say, this was one of those God moments. My gift to me, is the acceptance of renewal of confidence. 23 wasn’t my best year. Hell, it was far from the worst. But, it did teach me to value myself and take care of me despite the curve balls life throws my way. I can’t tell you I’m about to be this health guru and in the next six months you’ll see me with a six pack and hard legs. Knowing me, it’s going to take a while to get use to some sort of diet. But if it means I’ll gain my confidence back, then I’m all in. The thing about confidence, it comes from within. You have to glow on the inside so your light can shine outside. And I’m ready to shine.